What is Sexy?

“Sexy” has become such a loaded word in our culture. I honestly don’t think there are many other words that come with as much social and emotional charge as does the word “sexy.” What I’m saying is, it’s pretty damn common to feel sexually inadequate because of what we see advertised as “sexy” on the screen, on billboards, and by how those around us talk about their appearance and the appearance of others.

Just because this term has been hijacked by the world around us, does that mean we have to (or should) forgo its relevance, entirely?? I argue, no! Feeling “sexy” is the closest term we have in our contemporary language to describe what it’s like to access eroticism, the one of the most powerful energies there is, in my opinion, and the opinion of others like @estherperel, and it is available regardless of whether one feels they measure up to society’s standards.

For many, feeling sexy is embracing the experience of feeling desire and being desired. It’s true that feeling desired by a partner is important, but it’s not the end-all, be-all of feeling sexy. What I want to talk about is that so much of feeling embodied sexiness has to do with our internal narratives; that is, what we tell ourselves about our bodies, about our own sexual pleasure, and about our ability to consent and feel sexually safe, amongst a few others.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

The last thing I want to do is come across like I’m oversimplifying a topic I know is deeply complicated…and so very personal. Over the years, working with so many clients who desire to improve their sense of sexiness has taught me that this is a deeply personal, complex topic where many, at times, want to have nothing to do with it, while others feel it’s an experience they long for, yet will always be out of reach.

I personally don’t care whether a person uses the word sexy or finds a different one to describe the way they want to feel when saying they want to improve their relationship with sexuality. The word simply may just not resonate with them. The purpose of this post is to highlight that accessing eroticism has so much to do with developing a strong relationship with oneself and their body, and the beliefs they have about their own sexual being.